 |
| Driven by the congenitally incompetent, usually at 23.7mph, Jack Wills hoods up for that crucial reduced peripheral vision, next burglary being planned. J-i-g-g-l-e ... |
A popular misconception is that lack of skill underpins many driving incidents. I disagree. Most drivers are good to drive safely in a technical sense. The problems invariably are rage, bad decision making, failure to look or plan ahead and chronic inattentiveness.
Here are a few frequently-encountered types of idiot driver:
1. On narrow country lanes, people who drive in the middle or wrong side of the road and who then freeze and can't react when they meet you on a corner (as you take half a hedge with you to make space for the berks)
2. Related to above, people who don't know the width of their cars. Typically seen in narrow streets when someone is double-parked. There is still space for traffic to flow in both directions, despite the illegal parker. But their brains are incapable of processing what their eyes can see. Space? "Nah, I don't believe it. Hey, I know, let's freeze in fear instead!" And so they block lots of people behind them, afraid to go through a gap which would easily take a flipping Scania. Get thee to an empty car park, with some cones and bloody practice your sight lines ...
3. You're in the overtaking lane, at the tail end of a fast-moving stream of cars. There is no car behind you for ages. Mr. middle lane wants to pull out. Does he do the logical thing and wait until you've gone past so that he can pull out in comfort and not inconvenience anyone? Does he f***. You're half-way past him, watching his mirrors, vehicle positioning and front wheel angle like a hawk. Sure enough, here comes the usual indicator-less lurch, right out in front of you. Utter, utter berk.
4. You're in a queue of slow-moving traffic in the overtaking lane. You can't go any faster as there is about 1,000 slow-moving cars in front of you, courtesy of the usual rush hour gridlock. An onanist behind you nonetheless is tailgating and flashing his headlamps. He wants past, for some reason buried deep in his small, reptilian brain. I usually swerve in and back out again very sharply and put the lights on the moron. He has gained SFA. What is the logic in trying to stampede past one slow-moving car when there is hundreds of other similar crawlers in front? Are some people so dumb that they literally can't see past the car immediately in front of them?
5. You're on a narrow country lane and Farmer Brown with tractor / jeep + trailer is doing 23.7mph. Fair enough. However, behind him are about half a dozen dawdlers. They are afraid to overtake, which is bad enough. But they then compound it by refusing to drop back and leave a space for anyone behind who may wish to overtake. Farmer Brown is not the obstacle, it's the string of gutless, selfish b******s behind him.
6. You're on a motorway, allegedly driving well above the speed limit. A cock-mobile nonetheless tailgates and flashes to get past. Oh well, maybe he needs to drive at 110mph, must be an emergency. However, immediately he's past, he slams on the brakes and dives into the middle and inside lanes, in a kamikaze attempt to make his exit junction. In his desire to "best" you by showing you what a fast car he has and what a driving god he is (in a straight line, obviously), he almost misses his junction and then creates dangerous mayhem by ploughing across two lanes of shocked traffic in a dangerous and inconsiderate madcap attempt to make his exit. In other words, it's worth killing or injuring other people just so he can make a puerile point about his own status. Total f***ing knob. As the old Billy Bragg song puts it, "one of those blokes, who only ever laughs at his own jokes"
7. The competitive non-enthusiast. You're in a slow car on a country road. You're in a hurry - or you just want the fun of threading together a series of your favourite corners. Bloke in front in big new car holding you up. He can't really drive. Lots of panic-braking and crawling through easy bends, frustrating the life out of you and generally also ruining your fun through your favourite bends. But then, every time, he boots it on the straight. You haven't a hope of passing him, conceding as you are about 300nm of torque. But then you catch him on every corner (since he can't drive) and so the dreary slow-quick-slow dance continues. Sigh ...
8. The ASBO driver - the young lads, decked out in grey ath-leisure incontinence garments, hoods up inside the car (even though it's got a roof), car typically devoid of any meaningful suspension, superfluous dump-valve barely able to chirp (let's face it, their diesel dawdler needs a dump valve in much the same way as you need a wet-suit in a swimming pool), raspy cherry-bomb type exhaust (lads - making a bad noise louder doesn't make it any better - if you haven't got a revvy petrol engine with a proper intake system and sports manifold producing your base sound, do us a favour and lay off the idiot back boxes and straight-throughs) unable to top 35mph on a bumpy road, steering round minor undulations in the tarmac at 5mph (courtesy of their ludicrous "suspension"), holding up all the pensioners behind them. You know the old saying: "the lower the suspension, the lower the IQ".
